I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
i think im in europe. pls send help
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
