I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Randomize
