I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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