margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Randomize
