If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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