can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
