According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
