I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
All the doctor said was why
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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