Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
