This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
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