Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
