Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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