Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
