you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
