The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
