The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
