I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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