dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Randomize
