I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
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