Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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