YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Randomize
