If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
