You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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