you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
