Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
