he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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