I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
