when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
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