Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
