Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
