I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
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