How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
