i think my mom watched the whole time
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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