i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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