There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
