Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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