I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
