I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
