Pappa wants mamma naked
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Randomize
