I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
