Pregnant stripper...not hot.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Randomize
