God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
3 2 1 whiskey
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
