I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize