...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
