she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
