Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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