I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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