My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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