She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
