thus making me awesome and them whores
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
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