Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
