I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
