I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
