There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
