If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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