Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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