my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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