Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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