I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
