Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
